Caped Crusader: What is your name?
Zooropa: Zooropa, but my school ID calls me 00194569.
Caped Crusader: And how old are you?
Zooropa: 18 will turn 19 in mid-June
Caped Crusader: And what city is fortunate enough to have Zooropa call it home?
Zooropa: Rohnert Park, CA (Sonoma County, Northern Bay Area)
Caped Crusader: So what was your first experience with Star Wars?
Zooropa: I was like 3 and I watched Spaceballs, loved it, and thought it was Star Wars. Rather like mistaking Iraq for Saudi Arabia as a terror haven, I went through my childhood thinking Star Wars was the funniest movie ever, until I was about 7 and they re-issued the trilogy on VHS. I was crushed.
Caped Crusader: Wow, that must have been heartbreaking. Once you learned the terrible truth, did you embrace Star Wars, anyway? Or did you need time to heal?
Zooropa: It took a lot of quiet reflection with mother Earth, but with the help of Han Solo, I eventually embraced the trilogy by the time I was 8.
Caped Crusader: Assuming you've seen the final installment, Revenge Of The Sith, which trilogy is your favorite?
Zooropa: It's hard for me to say. I always enjoyed the OT vastly, but I was so young that I put much of my own fantasy and imagination into that storyline, and it became sort of a myth to me. When Episode I came out, I was 12, and my brother was 15, so we had incredibly different viewpoints of the movie. I really enjoyed the PT, but any victory given to the OT would be on nostalgia alone, so I would have to say PT, because this ain't no reunion tour!
Caped Crusader: And which of Lucas' characters would you say is your favorite?
Zooropa: Definitely Han Solo.
Caped Crusader: Why Han?
Zooropa: He's the closest thing to a Zooropa-esque $#&*@% in all the movies.
Caped Crusader: So are you a collector of memorabilia? Action figures? Anything like that?
Zooropa: Not at the moment, no. When I was 8 I had a few POTF2, I had a couple EI figs, and then I got really into EII and some EIII, but I just didn't have room, desire, or money to continue. That and I finally discovered women.
Caped Crusader: I can hear the restraining orders coming off the printer from here. So what is Zooropa doing with his life these days?
Zooropa: Zooropa is living the hard life of a student and trying to get a low-paying job somewhere nearby to pay for all these (party favors).
Caped Crusader: Once you get out into the world, climb the corporate ladder, and become a high-level executive with a six figure salary, convertible sports car, receding hairline, and substance abuse problem, do you imagine yourself spending some of that fat cash on Star Wars items?
Zooropa: I already have the substance abuse problem, but no. By then Star Wars will be in Hot Topic like so many Misfits and Dead Kennedys. And there will be a reunion tour. Luke Skywalker will be portrayed by Mark Hamill, but Han Solo will be some theater major from NYU. Teen girls will love it. Gary Coleman will be long dead by then. So I might just smile.
Caped Crusader: Anything - within reason, of course - that you'd like to tell us about yourself, or say to the YodasNews.com readers?
Zooropa: I think Evel Knievel speaks for me when he says: "I can't wait to meet God," "and ask why he didn't make me go faster on some of those jumps, why he put me through all this pain. He knows I'm not evil." But overall, I am a humble Zooropa, one who likes his drinky winky and bongy wongy. And women-folk. And fast cars. And Socialism.
Caped Crusader: Okay, in Zooropa's opinion, who is the sexiest of all Star Wars characters?
Zooropa: Sexiness is on the inside, and no one exudes more sexuality than Jabba the Hutt. He's got a kinky side, that one.
Caped Crusader: Okay, that just about does it. We have one final question, though, and then you're free to go. Who ya gonna call?
Zooropa: I'm gonna call Ray Parker, Jr. and ask where those royalty checks went.
Caped Crusader: Oh, I'm sorry. You put forth quite the effort, but we were actually looking for: Anyone but FEMA.
Zooropa: Hey, lay off, they're doing a heck of a job pulling the gold fillings out of corpses' mouths.
Unbeknownst to Zooropa, Hot Topic stores already stock several Star Wars items. I decided not to bring this fact to light, as the boy has obviously suffered enough.